My Travel Trailer – my home for a while
So here I am. It is Tuesday February 19th and I am in Cocoa near Cape Canaveral. I am taking a day off. I am just sitting here, downloaded Avatar the movie last night and I am watching. It is 11:13 am in the morning and I am having a pity patter day.
The thing is that nothing changes, no matter where you go or what you live in. You are who you are no matter where you are. I thought writing my book would be easier now that I am on the road, away from the old and into something different, a sunnier life … but I got frazzled yesterday just as I got frazzled at home.
Home … that is a difficult word to describe! What is home, what is a home? Is it the place where you put your head each night, most of you would say no! Is it a place where you live, not really either because other go away from home and live somewhere for work but would never call it home. What is home? I think it is where you say you are at home.
I have always been easy with calling each and every new place my home and home it is. My caravan is now home and I feel good in it. I love the way it is, it molds around me, where I have all I need … a comfortable bed, a fridge, a toilet, a small kitchen and my computer.
I have to be honest, writing this, giving you this very personal view into my life, the workings of my mind is not easy for me. However I believe it is important to write about this, so here I go.
Control dramas, how you try to control the attention that people give you, the way you behave automatically to gain others attention is a pattern and that pattern is created very early on in life.
Mine was created when a friend of the family molested me. I was only 3 ½ years old so some of the memories are hazy but by how I react now, I can estimate on how and what I wanted back then.
So here I was, small and cute and a single child. I know I loved the attention of adults and this guy was a friend of my favorite uncle and I loved being in the middle of all of that, getting attention. My parents did not know what happened till I found out a couple of years ago and when I asked them who it could have been, it was around the carnival time (February or March in Germany) that they were at our house, my mother only came up with this guy and said he seemed so nice! So I guess, I wanted to be liked by him and wanted his attention since “he seemed so nice” and I was little and wanted to get attention.
A few years ago, I was in love with a wonderful man. We fell in love and our love lasted one year almost to the day. He helped me rediscover myself after my divorce and made me want to be more and better than I had ever dreamed of being. He saw who I am deep inside and he wanted to see all of me, the good, the bad and the ugly and he also saw the very great in me. He introduced me to all of me and our love was built on that. I gave the same back and we got to know each other so deeply that we became grew to become the holder of the space for the other.
Maybe this phrase is unfamiliar to you. It means that there is that one person who can see to what heights you are truly able to grow to and who you truly are at your essence that is blocked so often by fears and held back through programming.
This article is about the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz and how to make them work for you. Since the article would be too long to discuss all 4 agreements here, I have broken them down to 4 articles.
I know that some of you have heard about the book, even read it and feel completely overwhelmed on how to implement these 4 agreements. In this article I would like to discuss how to work on the second agreement, Don’t Take Anything Personally and how to implement this agreement in your life.
Over the years I have done much work on freeing myself from trauma, unhappiness and pain that seemed to always have been part of my life but now that I have worked past much of it, it was only where I was looking and what I was afraid of that kept me in that state. As Ruiz said in the book The Four Agreements, we are all caught up in the matrix of this world. You can call it Matrix, the Human Consciousness, The Human Dream or all the agreements within our human existence. We keep each other unhappy and in pain, miserable and locked up. Our school system is the best example. We are taught to behave, are fed knowledge on how to become a good worker and how to live by everyone else’s rules. We are not taught how to live as we truly are as happy and healthy beings who value themselves and others around us, we are not matured, we are educated!
So when we grow up, we feel often unhappy with the life we are living or we allow others to abuse ourselves or we abuse ourselves or we just feel there should be more to life than there is. But we don’t know what to do about it, we don’t know where to go for help, we don’t know what to do next. And because we don’t know we numb our feelings down with too much work, TV, spending, drugs, alcohol, food, busy-buys life and all other ways we step away from what is truly going on inside.
Steve Jobs Quote – On character
“You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something — your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life.” [Stanford commencement speech, June 2005]
This statement is so true. I can vouch for that with my own life. Looking back I can truly see how every move or everything that came into my life or was taken fitted exactly with the rest and was the next puzzle piece missing.
I also have learned over the past years that trusting what is being presented to you right this moment is what is needed, even if you are not happy about it. The truth is that what you ask for, if it is best for you as seen by the universe, it will appear. If you ask what is not good for you right now, you will not receive it. And sometimes there are test at the end of a life lesson that needs to be passed The universe gives you the old option, the one you always chose before the lesson, and the new option and it’s up to you to pass the test to move on to the next chapter.
Even here, you can clearly only see the tests and how life changed for the better when you passed the test. But looking back you can fully see how you went along a journey to learn and it culminated in a test.
Some of the times you go on an excursion off the beaten tracks and only years later will it make sense. That’s how Steve Jobs felt with Apple.
Let me know some of your stories, the dots that connect your lives.
I wish you much love, happiness and success for 2012.
I have been gone for a while and I am sorry. I have been going through a bunch of changes, actually exponential changes and I am on the top of the curve, not quite there yet.
Have you ever considered if it is easier to live or die? Death is an easy way out. It’s going back home to mother where you are loved. But you have not fulfilled your mission you were on but you are loved anyways.
Is that not an easier way or a less horrible road to travel?
But then there is the leaving behind of the loved ones. The ones who do not deserve that you are cutting out!
Which is the right way, pain and torture in the here and now or bliss and love in the afterlife?
Well, if you think dying is the choice, then I hope you will stay and listen.
The feeling of being lost grows so strong
That nothing but filling the whole seems wrong
The fear of vanishing if the urge is not filled
The fear that pushes you on or wilt
Nothing but the drug of your choice
Fills your head, becomes your voice
“Just a little” and you feel calm once more
But the monster waits right through that door
I went hiking last long weekend between two Fort McMurray cycles (10 days each) with Elise.
Friday we drove from Calgary all the way up to Jasper and saw a Grizzly on the way. I had a head cold, stuffy nose, little bit of aches in my bones, tired but I had asked Elise to come out and go hiking with me so I needed to suck it up. She had some cold and sinus stuff and that helped.
I went hiking anyways and had a great time, learned a lot about myself, cleared my mind, renewed my peace, got clarity and absorbed beauty!
What I realize today is that some of the time people or things in our lives are like this stuffed nose that is trying to take you out. It would allow you to use excuses on why you could just stay home, stop progress, just let go of what makes you truly you and what gives you peace and joy.
Those times, you have a choice, you can just deal with the “stuffy nose” stuff on the side and focus on the beauty of the hike or you can give into self pity and stay home and wallow.
Today, I have a few things that are like the stuffy nose and I have a choice between letting it be the thing that takes me out or treat it like I did last weekend, have fun anyways and deal with the stuffy nose issue on the side.
What are you not letting you take you out today?
PS: story and pics about Grizzly to follow!!!